I keep meaning to post an update about the MRI experience but somehow life seems to get in the way and I get dragged away from the computer, leaving a fragment of an entry that invariably gets deleted a short time later. I have however, finished moving the remainder of this blog from lj. It's taken a while but I believe that it is finally here in its entirety.

The MRI went well. I am thinking that they don't get too many children in that particular department and Tatyanna was loaded up with stickers and sparkly plastic bracelets before the procedure even started. Watching them set up was also interesting as anything metal couldn't be anywhere near the MRI machine due to the fact that it's pretty much a giant magnet. The whole room was a flurry of activity as various anaesthetic equipment parts were traded off for different pieces that were made from either aluminum or plastic. Longer tubing had to be found which sparked a debate as the MRI department felt that anesthesiology should have said tubing and anesthesiology was positive that MRI should have it. I believe that it was eventually found in a completely unrelated department. The paper work portion was also interesting and Trent and I kept our selves amused by answering the various questions on Tatyanna's behalf.....any tattooes, shrapnel, piercings of the illicit nature and the like. By the time that things were ready to go, Tatyanna was so bored with sitting in the "staging" area that she was only too happy to go with a random nurse to "check out something new". I must admit that I do feel a pang of guilt over this part and I try not to think about how it was for her when they put her out because in the end, there were no lasting ill effects. With Tatyanna it is really difficult to determine how much she processes and how much she remembers. She doesn't seem scarred or unduly traumatized by the ordeal so I'll go with that.

The whole procedure lasted only 45 minutes or so. Just long enough for Trent and I to run and grab a much needed caffeine fix and get back to the waiting area. We heard her howling before we were finished the coffee and as uncomfortable as it is listening to your child cry and not being able to do anything about it, it was kind of reassuring knowing that she came out of it OK. I have watched one too many House episodes to take that fact for granted.

Once we left the MRI department she spent another hour in recovery, was given several more stickers and bracelets and sent to pediatrics for more monitoring. After a 45 minute sleep, she woke up as if nothing had happened and demanded to go to the mall and eat fries.

*****

Fast forward one week......the results came in and were completely normal. This has surprised pretty much all the professionals that have been involved with Tatyanna thus far. Nobody was expecting normal. While the results are reassuring in that we know there are no tumours or structural abnormalities, it leaves a tonne of questions as to what exactly is going on.

This is what happens when you marry a horse person...

Trent: enters house after driving across the snow filled yard nearly getting the truck stuck on several occassions

Me: That was an impressive shoulder in you did up the quarter line of the yard

Trent: grumble grumble

Me: The half pass was also quite nice. I'd give it a 7 or so.

Trent: grumble grumble

Me: You need more impulsion in the hind end though.....there doesn't seem to be quite enough "drive"

Trent: I need a 4X4

Bringing Christmas craftiness to a whole new level

Having trouble getting into the holiday spirit this year? Why not try making a craft with your kids? From the star at the top of the tree to the pretty stings of colourful lights, most people should be able to find the supplies for this project laying around the house....or under the bathroom sink.

And if that's not festive enough you can always check out one of the many "Scared of Santa" galleries that are being showcased during the next few weeks.

death to microsoft.....or is it just karma?

Remember the post I made about a certain two zealous and protective parents who lovingly prescreened their son's present to ensure that disappointment and mayhem were not part of the Christmas morning proceedings? Those same two parents turned on the Xbox on Sunday night after the kids were in bed, not to play some GH3 because that would be wrong as the game had already been prescreened, but rather some other shoot the enemy sort of military game, and found that the Xbox no longer works. Or rather, is undergoing some sort of highly inconvenient identity crisis. The Xbox360 now believes that it is a CD player. It plays audio CD's and that is all. If you put a game in, the helpful message reads "This is an Xbox 360 disc, to play this disc use an Xbox 360 console" It does the same thing for movies. There are no " red rings of death" or broken pieces, no smoke or grinding sounds, just a confused Xbox which for all outward appearances should work. This irritates me greatly for two reasons. The first being that the machine is less than a year old. It was last year's Christmas present. The second being that Christmas morning just got a little more awkward. Games with no console to play them on is never a good thing. I'm now thinking that perhaps we should have taken the risk of letting the kids open their presents without checking them out first. Trent was in the military, he knows karate, he could have taken the convicts if there were any. Besides, they'd have been so hungry after sitting under a tree for several weeks we probably could have bribed them with Santa's leftover eggnog and cookies. It's Christmas after all, even escaped convicts need Christmas....right?

Tatyanna goes for her MRI tomorrow. We have spent 4 months waiting for an MRI that was listed as urgent. Nice.

This past weekend, Trent and I sunk to all new parenting lows. We actually opened our child's Christmas present while he was away for the weekend and played with it. I'd love to tell you that I feel guilty but given the stress we are under (that I may at some point feel like putting into words) I felt that we needed to do something to lighten things up a little. Guitar Hero III was just the trick. My brothers have both assured me that "prescreening" is always acceptable as a parent. Finding broken toys.....or a box full of escaped convict little people is never a good thing on Christmas morning and only sets you up for a lifetime of therapy bills. And who wants that really? There are a multitude of other incidents that I will no doubt be forking over good money to the local psychologist for. This was just one little thing that I could do to help ensure my child's well being......right???

Welcome to Holland

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

And that's all I have to say 'bout that.....

"Ha Ha Ha, Biff. Guess what? After we go to the drug store and the post office, I'm going to the vet's to get tutored."

I've always been a huge fan of Gary Larson's Far Side cartoons. This particular comic is one of my favourites. Today it seems strangely fitting somehow.......

Lexi - (wandering around the kitchen, hands raised, perplexed expression on her face)

Me - "Lexi, what are you doing?"

Lexi - (angelic expression on her face, looks up and asks innocently) " Mommy, where the hell are my shoes??"

Eesh. It's one thing when they simply repeat things that they overhear and really shouldn't have. It's entirely more difficult to get rid of once they figure out how to take said "unspeakables"and put them correctly in a sentence on their own. I wish I could say that this is the only one she uses but that wouldn't be entirely true. I also wish that I could say that it was Trent's fault, but that wouldn't be true either. I guess it's time to clean up our act a bit....which while not a bad thing, isn't exactly the easiest thing to do.

".....well, she can be an extremely overwhelming sort of child...."

Hmm, you don't say? This was from a conversation with Tatyanna's occupational therapist, who I'm positive might feel completely in over her head most of the time but does an amazingly remarkable job during their hour together nonetheless. The appointment with the developmental pediatrician was considerably less productive. She started the assessment using all the standardized method of testing and within half an hour could go no farther. She tried doing the usual "copy my drawing" test to which Yanna's response was "draw a horse!!!" she moved on to the block test. Tatyanna felt that she should then make a horse from the blocks. Within half an hour we had to remove Yanna from the room as she was pretty much climbing the walls. The rest of the appointment was spent conducting a patient history. At the end, the ped. announced that she wasn't really sure what was going on as she couldn't fully conduct an assessment and that she wasn't willing to officially diagnose Tatyanna with anything but would refer her to a neurologist, children's special services and the pediatric autism organization. It was entirely frustrating and Trent and I left the office wondering if perhaps she had obtained her credentials from one of those online study institutions. I get a lot of spam in my one discussion forum that promise a PhD in 3 months or your money back. Perhaps those people really can get jobs!!

Ironically, she is closer to being like the old Tatyanna that it doesn't bother me a bit. It's funny how your perspective can change so drastically in such a short time. I would much rather have her tearing apart the house, emptying the pantry and antagonizing her siblings than have her barely able to function as a result of continual seizures and side effects from medication that just isn't working. I realize that this reprieve may be short lived as medications but I will take it and enjoy it.

urgent, schmurgent

Apparently my definition of the word urgent is significantly different from that of our local imaging department at the hospital. Over a month ago Tatyanna's pediatrician finally sent away a request for her to have an MRI. The request was marked as being urgent....not an emergency exactly but with a higher degree of importance than a regular, standard request. We were told to expect a 7-10 day wait. We waited patiently for the first two weeks. We waited impatiently for the following 2 weeks. After a month of living in limbo I decided to give the diagnostic department of our local health centre a call.

***

Me (using my grown-up sounding, ex-call centre voice)- Hello, this is ----- calling. I was wondering if you could tell me if Tatyanna Z. has been scheduled for her MRI yet. Dr. E sent the request away about a month ago.

Them (that would be the people who sit at the desk and make the appointments)- Oh, Tatyanna......

Me - feeling optimistic at this point! Hey, it sounds like they at least remember the name, and that's a good thing right??!!

Them - ummmmm, hmmmm.....

Me - not feeling quite so optimistic anymore

Them - How old is your daughter again?

Me - She's 4 (I could hear them typing so either they pulled up her file and don't fell like doing math to figure this out or they are playing an exciting game of Stratego while we are talking)

Them -Oh....you don't think she will lay still for this do you?

Me - (trying not to sound as boggled as I feel and wondering if perhaps the person is kidding) No, I don't think so.

Them - Are you sure?

Me - Yes. I'm sure.

Them - You're sure she won't lay still.

Me - I'm 100% positive that she will most definitely NOT lay still! At this point I'm wondering if this woman has ever been exposed to children let alone have any of her own. I don't know a normal 4 year old that will sit still for 30 minutes. I'm not sure how they figured my 4 year old ASD child was going to lay still for that long with out moving a muscle while they insert her body into a tube and loud noises thump around her head. Perhaps I'm underestimating my child, but I really think not.

Them - (sounding rather irritated) Well she'll have to be out under then (no, really???) We'll have to send you and her doctor more paper work before we can go ahead and schedule her in.

It's probably best that I don't actually put in writing how I felt at that particular moment.

***

Today we see the doctor so that he can fill out his share of the paper work. I'm not really sure why this wasn't done in the first place.

18 lbs. In just a couple of hours, the kids managed to collect 18 lbs of sugary goodness. I'd love to tell you that I was kidding or maybe even exaggerating just a little, but out of a sick sense of curiosity I put all the loot in garbage bag and tossed it on the bathroom scale. This particular scale also weighs in on the light side, but I keep it around because it makes me feel better. So in actuality, we probably have more like 20 lbs of candy. Lexi weighs 20 lbs. How does one even begin to hide that much candy? And I will hide it, you can be assured of that. The thought of 4 kids bouncing "snitch" like off the walls doesn't really hold much appeal for me. They were a little disappointed to hear that I wouldn't be using this as an exercise to teach them some self control. Right, good try though guys!

Lexi has discovered a new game. Normally, I can appreciate something like this. This time, notsomuch. I will admit that it was kind of cute the first time and maybe even the second time. But it's starting to get a little old really fast. It also leaves me re planning my day simply to avoid said game.

What is the new game you ask? It begins with Lexi standing at the laundry room door with a glint in her eye that can only mean that havoc is about to ensue. She then yells "Soccer pets!!!!" and runs into the laundry room kicking over the piles of clean laundry, giggling at their unfortunate demise...perhaps a little drunk on her own power and mastery over the wobbling towers of clothing (yes, I like to pile them high, it's my own personal game). Then, she runs out and it is over as quickly as it started, leaving me sitting there staring at the wake of destruction, shaking my head and wondering what just happened.

On a totally an unrelated note, the spell checker on this program felt that perhaps the word notsomuch should be replaced with the word nudism. As much as I can appreciate nudism, I'm not sure that it would be appropriate in this place. Thanks anyway spellchecker.

You know you need a night out when....

-the only peaceful cup of coffee you have is in the bathtub...with your two younger kids and a collection of floating farm animals

-you actually take your two year old out wearing a plush unicorn costume....with wings...because at least it means she's finally wearing something

-you find yourself saying things like: "I'm sorry that you flushed Pooh (as in Winnie) down the toilet but he's not coming back"
"I know you're being very gentle but I don't think the puppy likes it when you pet him with the hammer"
"The rule in this house is no hitting but if you're determined to beat the crap out of each other...do it civilly...the swords are on the mantle"

More life lessons......

5. The day you work really hard cleaning the house and doing laundry and dealing with cranky and children and are so tired that you can't wait to crawl into bed somewhere in the early hours of the morning is also the day that you find that your child, who has fallen asleep in your bed, has also peed all over your favourite comfy sheets.

Life lessons learned over the past week...

1. Just when you think your child's current medication is truly terrible, her pediatrician will change the prescription to double the amount of an even worse tasting substance

2. The person with the bare feet always finds the dog poop in the dark

3. The moment you are done killing all the flies in the house a child will then leave the back door open as they run out to play.

4. People with crocheted afghans in the rear window of their cars always drive VERY slowly.

the dog days of summer....

Perhaps it was a combination of heat and stress finally causing my brain to crumble in on itself thus rendering any sort of logical thought process obsolete. Perhaps it was a sense of guilt on my husbands part that caused him to agree so quickly. It might have been the fact that the moment we arrived at the farm we were instantly greeted by swarm of wiggling puppies, each of them looking up at us with their liquid puppy eyes and a sense of expectation of fun things to come. Up until that moment Trent and I thought that we were "just looking"....that we would be able to drive away empty handed if we so desired. But one look at Tatyanna, sitting in the dirt surrounded by a mass of black and white fur and we knew that our immediate future would involve sleepless nights, ruined shoes and shouts of "NO!!! OUTSIDE!!" followed by a hasty mopping up of whatever mess was left behind. As she sat there, the look of awe and the sparkle in her eye was reminiscent of a little girl that I haven't seen in quite some time and miss dearly. How could we say "no" really?

Unfortunately when we asked what she thought, her answer was "2 puppies!!!" and we left the farm 2 dogs richer with that vague feeling of "what did we just get ourselves into??"

Since then, life has settled down once more into its usual state of elevated chaos. The older two weren't upset that we took the liberty of making such a "monumental decision" without their presence and were quite excited to chose names for each of the dogs. Keirnan, the car fanatic, named the little black puppy Shelby, after the Mustang. She has a "racing stripe" so he felt that it would be an appropriate name. Sharing a name however, is where the similarity ends as this Shelby has a physique more comparable to an army tank and would prefer to laze in the sun than race around the back yard with her feistier sister. Skylar named the black and white puppy with the border collie like markings. We were a little concerned at first because she has some truly bizarre naming tendencies but after we all vetoed the name Ivanna, she settled a more fitting Feya; which she stuck with even after finding out that it was Hebrew for "poufy". It will be interesting to see how this all goes. It's been a while since we've had a puppy in the house.

You know it's bad when your husband notices that his own mother is completely ignoring you. This weekend can not be over soon enough.

Another day, another trip to the pediatrician, another medication to try.

Seizure count: lost track after 40 both today and yesterday. *sigh*

It's kind of disturbing how one can go from being an awesome mom to one deserving of little more than a good tar and feathering. Friday night, I rocked. I don't have a problem saying it. I even patted my own back for this one....I was discreet about it, of course. Friday, Trent and I had a "date night" with our son. (We were orginally supposed to take Skylar as well, but she opted to stay with the younger two for some "grandma time".) We went out for appetizers at a local upscale establishment and tossed in some creme brule for good measure. We then spent the rest of the evening at the Harry Potter book release. We had a blast checking out the various costumes and listening to the band and discussing what we thought would happen in the final installment of the series. After surveying the scene for some time I made an educated guess as to where exactly the pre-order line up would be starting. With fingers crossed, and whispering urgent prayers I casually suggested that we relocate to a new vantage point. If I was right, it would put us exactly where I thought they would be doing the pre-orderd transactions; if I was wrong, it meant leaving our place near the beginning of a line up that was already nearing the end of the block. My guess work paid off and we ended up a the very front of the line up. Keirnan was giddy with anticipation, you could feel the excitement. I think it might have been better than Christmas. The media got ready, the last few seconds were counted down and there was a flurry of picture taking while he handed over the ticket and received the first book sold in our city. It was one of those moments that you don't forget. It was pretty cool.
Fast forward to tonight. The magic of the Harry Potter moment has faded. *insert groan here* The once cool mom has just realized that she has forgotten that her son had a birthday party to go to this afternoon. It was her son's best friend's birthday. Said son does not make friends all that easily and this is only the second party he's been invited to all year. Mere words to not describe how utterly and completely wretched I feel at this moment. Despite all the stress that we've been going through, there are no excuses. I can not believe that I just did that.

Important Service Announcement

Beginning tonight there will be a media ban in our household. Said ban will take place until such a time as I have completed reading the much anticipated final installment in the Harry Potter series. This ban will include mainstream television, radio, newspaper as well as all major internet sites that are "news-y" in nature.

Also, please take note that general household duties will most definitely be neglected and meal preparation will be sketchy at best. Please consider yourselves warned. I have given you plenty of time to stock up on things such as trail mix, beef jerky and fruit snacks. If you are not considered a regular household dweller and decide to "pop in for a visit" conversation will most likely consist of noncommittal grunts from behind the book cover. Please help yourself to the fridge. You could perhaps also watch some Discovery Civilization or TVO Kids. The space channel is also on the safe list. Housework is also much appreciated, please feel free.

Plague and pestilence upon the household of anyone who attempts to ruin the ending for me.

I thank you for your co-operation and understanding the importance of this matter.

The Management


Tonight Trent and I will take the older two kids to the Harry Potter release party. We are all much excited about this event....I am hoping that it will somehow make up for our attempted camping trip. I'm sure I will write about it eventually but until then, content yourself with knowing that we arrived home at 7:00 this morning with the vow that we will NEVER go camping again.

Happy Birthday!!

In 2 short years you've gone from being a rather large baby with a small personality to a tiny little girl with a personality that's larger than life. You are known as the girl with a thousand faces and it's often more fun watching you watch a movie than actually watching what's playing on the t.v. itself. You are quick with hugs and kisses and adore your big brother and sisters but make it very clear to them what you feel is your personal property or space. "I no like it" and "This mine...no...no....you git!!!" are frequently heard phrases. You have, in fact, been known to climb onto your chair at dinner and lecture the table filled with family and friends about some random subject. The finger wagging and vaguely italian accent make it all the more endearing. You love animals and would quite happily spend your time sitting between Winston's large paws or feeding treats to your "phee-ya". You make sure to remind her every time that biting your foot is not allowed. I believe the finger wagging in this case is lost on the horse but it looks really effective. If an animal is not present for you to play with, you are not above pretending to be a puppy/kitty/bunny etc yourself and I often have to drag you out of the dog bowls and empty your mouthful of kibble into the garbage. Yes, I do have pictures....and yes, they will probably surface at your wedding. You also love to grab me by the necklace say "come on puppy" and attempt to drag me around the house. I must say, I much prefer it when you are the puppy as hardwood floors are less than comfy.

The last 2 years have been a blast getting to know you and watching your personality grow and develop. You have a unique zest for life and can make even the most melancholy person smile. I can't wait to watch you grow* up into the awesome little person that I know you will be.

*We are optimistic that you will actually grow in stature at some point. You are currently wearing a size 12months in clothes and still fit the diapers and onesies that I bought before you were actually born!

see mom, i did grow up

T and I got tickets to the Loreena Mckennitt concert in September. It will be my first non-punk concert. I'm thinking that the old standard of ripped fishnets, ratty ramones t-shirt and knee high dr.martens won't be acceptable attire this time. At least it will take me less time to do my hair.

I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not with your decision to forgo a traditional birthday party in favour of playing some Starcraft RPG with a bunch of grown-ups or not. You knew that it would mean less presents, but that didn't seem to bother you. I've got to say that I'm kind of impressed...but not surprised. You're really starting to grow up and you realized that a night of fun with friends and family outweighs gifts that will soon be forgotten. You might be on the verge of outgrowing me, and I realize that my continually pushing on your head probably isn't going to work, but in some ways you'll always be the little boy with a big "hockey player" smile and non-stop chatter. You were my first baby and you taught me so much. It was you who really taught me the meaning of words like love and sacrifice. The moment I first held you, I knew instantly that there was nothing that I wouldn't do for you. That I would always be there, no matter what. I know that things haven't really been easy over the last few years and I appreciate that you've hung in there. We've moved more than most military families during your life and I know how hard it is to make to friends. Thanks for understanding the "why's and doing your best to adapt. You have a pretty cool group of friends now, and I get a kick out of the constant emails and msn messages. I've got to say it, you are an awesome big brother. I remember when you were 2 and I brought S home. You were patient at first, believing perhaps, that someone would be coming to pick her up shortly. When it became apparent that we would keep her you were horrified. You've come a long way since those days. The way your two little sisters light up when they see you makes that apparent. I appreciate the time that you spend patiently playing with them. MIster pony and extreme kitty.....the hours spent on the my little pony website.....You have no idea how much I appreciate it...really....You don't realize it now, but you're teaching them alot about relationships and how to be treated. I'm really proud of the individual you are becoming from your never ending quest to keep learning to your sensitive, lookin out for the little guy nature and I just wanted to say Happy Birthday buddy! I love ya!

Since diagnoses are kind of like Lay's potato chips, in that you can never have just one, Yanna's recent trip to the pediatrician yielded us with another diagnosis....epilepsy. The EEG report indicated that she has been suffering from left side posterior temporal and occipital complex partial seizures. Try saying that one 5 times quickly. While it wasn't exactly what we were hoping to hear, it didn't come as a surprise either. And because seizuring brains are not happy brains, she was given a prescription for Tegretol in an attempt to control the irregular electrical activity. The pediatrician admitted that he wasn't entirely thrilled with this diagnosis and felt that she could potentially be difficult to treat. Not exactly words every mom hopes to hear. Given the nature of the seizure activity and the fact that they are occurring in two different lobes of her brain, the chances of being able to control them in the long term with just one medication is extremely small. We are probably looking at using a combination of ever changing drugs to keep the seizures at bay. It's funny, in the doctor's office, I went into my old "nursing student mode". I asked my questions, got the treatment plan and left the office planning to consult with Dr. Google and numerous other more reliable medical sources once I arrived home. There was no emotional response. It was what it was...could be better could be worse. It wasn't until that evening when I picked up the bottle filled with tiny white pills that the impact of everything really hit. My hands were literally shaking as I handed her the first of what will be many and encouraged her to chew it up in a voice that overly cheerful. Normally I try to treat things as naturally as possible. The human body has amazing healing capabilities and it drives me nuts when people run to the pharmacy for antibiotics or pills for every single ailment. I would prefer to seek the advise of a homeopath before a standard western physician but this time, I feel that I have no real choice. There are no effective natural treatments. There is no "wait and see". There are no herbal remedies with a minimum of side effects. I have no choice but to take my daughter and embark on a sea of chemical cocktails and hope for the best. The thing that pains me the most is that this shitty alternative is the best I can offer my little girl.

And on a completely different note, we are now entering the fun-filled, always entertaining potty learning stage again. Good times to be sure...filled with many stories perfect for blackmailing unruly teenagers. Tonight Lexi announced that she had to "go potty" and quickly made her way to the fancy kid sized, music playing potty sitting on the deck. I've never used one of these with previous kids and kind of think they're silly, but at 20lbs soaking wet, Lexi could pretty much swim in a standard size toilet. After a few minutes I could hear her jump up and say in very animated voice "Yay! I did it, I did it! I pooped onna potty!!" and before I could even turn from the stove where I was making dinner she ran over, held up her hand and announced, "SEE??!!"

Since diagnoses are kind of like Lay's potato chips, in that you can never have just one, Yanna's recent trip to the pediatrician yielded us with another diagnosis....epilepsy. The EEG report indicated that she has been suffering from left side posterior temporal and occipital complex partial seizures. Try saying that one 5 times quickly. While it wasn't exactly what we were hoping to hear, it didn't come as a surprise either. And because seizuring brains are not happy brains, she was given a prescription for Tegretol in an attempt to control the irregular electrical activity. The pediatrician admitted that he wasn't entirely thrilled with this diagnosis and felt that she could potentially be difficult to treat. Not exactly words every mom hopes to hear. Given the nature of the seizure activity and the fact that they are occurring in two different lobes of her brain, the chances of being able to control them in the long term with just one medication is extremely small. We are probably looking at using a combination of ever changing drugs to keep the seizures at bay. It's funny, in the doctor's office, I went into my old "nursing student mode". I asked my questions, got the treatment plan and left the office planning to consult with Dr. Google and numerous other more reliable medical sources once I arrived home. There was no emotional response. It was what it was...could be better could be worse. It wasn't until that evening when I picked up the bottle filled with tiny white pills that the impact of everything really hit. My hands were literally shaking as I handed her the first of what will be many and encouraged her to chew it up in a voice that overly cheerful. Normally I try to treat things as naturally as possible. The human body has amazing healing capabilities and it drives me nuts when people run to the pharmacy for antibiotics or pills for every single ailment. I would prefer to seek the advise of a homeopath before a standard western physician but this time, I feel that I have no real choice. There are no effective natural treatments. There is no "wait and see". There are no herbal remedies with a minimum of side effects. I have no choice but to take my daughter and embark on a sea of chemical cocktails and hope for the best. The thing that pains me the most is that this shitty alternative is the best I can offer my little girl.

And on a completely different note, we are now entering the fun-filled, always entertaining potty learning stage again. Good times to be sure...filled with many stories perfect for blackmailing unruly teenagers. Tonight Lexi announced that she had to "go potty" and quickly made her way to the fancy kid sized, music playing potty sitting on the deck. I've never used one of these with previous kids and kind of think they're silly, but at 20lbs soaking wet, Lexi could pretty much swim in a standard size toilet. After a few minutes I could hear her jump up and say in very animated voice "Yay! I did it, I did it! I pooped onna potty!!" and before I could even turn from the stove where I was making dinner she ran over, held up her hand and announced, "SEE??!!"

Quote of the week

Overheard while T was on the phone to his sister:

"Epilepsy...it's not like crabs, you know....you don't necessarily know how or when or why you got it...."

Thank you T for that lovely tidbit of zen like wisdom! : )

I'm normally a fairly relaxed, no panic sort of person but I have to admit that the sound of T thumping down the stairs followed by the words, "OMG I think there's something really wrong with yanna!!!" did incite something that could be called panic. It was that sort of icy feeling that washes over you followed by the sensation that your stomach has hit the floor and your heart is somewhere in the vicinity of your throat. It's highly unpleasant. But as a mom of 4, I have learned that no matter how anxious you feel, it's usually counter-productive to allow the kids to become aware of said emotions. I calmly turned around and noticed immediately on first glance that yes, there was something very wrong. Yanna's entire left side was completley paralyzed. Fighting the urge to panic suddenly becomes a little more difficult when you're wondering if your 4 year has had a stroke. We quickly got everyone loaded into the truck to make the 20 minute drive to the ER. Yanna, oddly was completely oblivious to the fact that her body had suddenly declared mutiny on her and kept asking (in slurred speech eerily reminiscent of T's grandma who is suffering from ALS) if we could "Go park!!!" and "Get icecream!!!" She also wondered if we could go to town and buy horses. Perhaps it's the fact that she has autism, I don't know, but the potential severity of the situation was completely lost on her and she was just happy to be going on a truck ride to town. It was kind of funny really. Once at the hospital we were seen by several doctors and nurses. During the time there she gradually regained all her senses/abilities and by the time her own pediatrician came down, she was attempting to swing tarzan like from the curtains. By the end of the morning it was determined that this just another complex migraine spell. Apparently complex migraines can also cause hemiparesis. I must say that for once I am completely relieved with a rather anti-climactic ending. K and I are currently in the middle of a battle of the desktops. This means that when one of us is using the computer we must change the desktop of the other person's settings to something that generally involves rather crude humour or good natured teasing. Various animal butts as well as name calling stick people have been the rule but I am hoping to expand. Unfortunately I have been made aware that my 10 year old is considerably more compute savvy than I gave him credit for and I am quickly getting the feeling that I just might be fighting a losing battle.

It's a little disconcerting when your almost 2 year old runs into the kitchen while you are sweeping the floor, picks something out of the pile, pops it into her mouth, announces "ooh yummy!" and then runs away. This took about 2 seconds. I didn't have time to react, stop her or say anything about the fact that things found in the garbage shouldn't be considered tasty. Maybe part of me is a little concerned, but I must admit that I'm extremely curious as to what she found. I don't recall seeing anything that could be described as yummy while I was sweeping. Thankfully she has a healthy immune system and we don't have anything toxic in the house. It's funny the difference in response between your first and your fourth kid. If it that had been Keirnan, I probably would have rinsed his mouth out and watched him for signs of the plague that I was sure would follow. With Lex, I'm considerably more relaxed and have learned not to sweat the small stuff.Yanna's EEG was successful. Thanks to much sleep deprivation she was only too happy to sit on my lap and read stories with me while it was being performed. Story might be a more accurate description as we read the same story over, and over.......and over. Now we just have to wait for the results. I love waiting. I'm getting very good at it.

Apparently today is autistic pride day. So....uh....happy autistic pride day- now go and educate yourself . Maybe I should go out and buy a cake or something. You can never have to much cake....or perhaps a nice tiramisu. A little harder to decorate but I believe that it could be done.

Did I ever mention how tired I was of wood tick season? Now that the deer are coming back out of the valley and wandering through the yard to look longingly at our garden and check the integrity of the 6 foot high electric fence, the place is crawling with the suckers (bad pun, i know) A simple trip out to the trampoline, across the neatly shorn yard, can yield 2 or more. I never really had a problem with wood ticks before, but this is getting crazy. Every day I'm picking them off the kids, the dog the deck etc. I grew up on a farm, but I have never seen anything like this. The older kids are thoroughly disgusted...having become rather citified during their formative years and continually ask what the purpose of a wood tick is. I wish I could tell them...because i would really like to know the answer to that one too!

*Edited to add: After a brief seach on ask.com, my quest to find the answer to the purpose of a wood tick has been abandoned. Apparently they have no real purpose.

like trying to put a billy goat into a shopping bag

I should have know that it wasn't going to work. After a week of increasing seizure activity, we finally got a call from the EEG department. The lady on the phone suggested that they like to schedule the pre-school appointments for the afternoon because that is when they nap. Umm....right. I tried to explain to her that my daughter does not sleep and runs around like a weasel on speed until her battery dies around midnight. The receptionist did not believe me, brushed off my concerns with a "I'm sure it will be fine, we'll see what we can do." and scheduled the appointment for 2:00. We showed up at the hospital at 1:45 as suggested and proceeded to wait for 45 minutes. As the seconds ticked by you could see Yanna start to unravel. The novelty of sitting on each and every chair in the waiting area only lasts for so long. By the time we finally got called in I was peeling her off the walls and dragging out of the ornamental trees. It wasn't pretty. Once in the appropriate room, I was told that she would have to lay still for 25 minutes without moving. I think I might have laughed at the guy at this point. He, being the astute, EEG tech quickly realized that this really wasn't going to work. It might have been the fact that Yanna was trying to jump off the bed yelling "I NO SLEEP!!!!!" but I could be wrong. Needless to say, we had to come up with plan B. "We deal with "those types' of kids lots" he said (which didn't win him point in my books) "and it never works with "them". " He then apologized that they had even tried to set up the appointment for 2:00 at all. The plan B is that we reschedule for tuesday at 9 am, keep her up as late as possible and then wake her up at 4am. Hopefully by 9:00 she will be tired and more receptive to the mild sedative they are allowed to give. Again, I am skeptical as nothing 'mild" seems to knock her out. Not even the prescription hydroxyzine slows her down. The energizer bunny has nothing on my girl. It should be interesting to see how this works.

just when thought you'd be spared the emotional garbage....

"First day on your new legs?" The comment should have been harmelss enough but for some reason tonight it stung. I walked over to my little girl, helped her up and asked if she was ok. It was the same as so many times on so many days. "I ok" was her answer. The same as always. But she's not ok and it breaks my heart that I can't fix her, that I can't make things better. Some days she falls alot, some days not so much. We think that she's having simple partial seizures but until the EEG no one really knows. I see it in her eyes on the bad days. She'll hold my hand more, and refuse to go up or down the stairs without help. A fall down the hard wooden staircase taught her that lesson. It's interesting how she would quite happily run into traffic without pause but understands the danger of an innocuous set of stairs. I feel angry. I wish I had pushed things with the dr.s in Edmonton to get a proper diagnosis. I'm angry that a family member never shared her suspicions. It really bothers me that she brings it up after the fact. If she had once mentioned her concerns to me I would have been able to do something. I'm angry with myself. I have a psych degree and 2 1/2 years of nursing. I should have known, but I didn't. When I went to school we were taught about autism-the disorder. The fact that it is a spectrum of disorders with a whole variety of traits was never mentioned. I'm tired. Tired of the sleepless nights. Tired of having little support and no where to turn. Tired of the politics in this town. Tired of the waiting process. We have a tentative, but probable diagnosis and a tonne of referrals but no answers. It's too late to initiate any sort of early intervention and the longer we wait the harder things become. And yet, waiting is all we can do. It's funny, when i reread what I've written, it sounds pretty negative. But, while I'm honest in how I'm feeling, we're doing OK. The kids are happy, T and I are still as strong as ever. I guess that's what families do. You weather the storms and wait for the sun.

weekly lessons

1. The sound of your child falling down the hard wood staircase is one that I hope not to hear again

2. It is very difficult to draw a convincing horse with an etch-a-sketch...kitties and puppies even

3. Tylenol has this sick joke where the recommended dose is 1.5 ml and the dropper only goes up to 1 ml. If you have ever tasted children's tylenol you would know that there is no way that you can trick your sick child into taking that second dose....none....even if you do managed to get the dropper through barricade of little fingers and clenched teeth the chances of the tylenol remaining in their mouth and not sprayed all over your own face is extremely small.

4. When someone refers to their sale horse as perfectly broke, you should ask them to clarify whether they are referring to the degree to which the horse is trained or if perhaps something is broken....like their sanity

5. Yes, it can rain too much

6. Wood ticks aren't so bad....until you start finding them in your bed and on your walls. That's when I start to have a problem with it.I think that about covers it. I will spare you all the emotional crap we've been going through as of late. Raining outside, raining inside, it's all starting to blur together.

For the first time in recent memory I was able to simply relax...for more than minute. The older kids spent the long weekend in Brandon with their dad and the youngest spent a couple of nights with her grandma in Sylvan. Once the initial lost feeling wore off it was a good weekend. There were no fights to break up, no early morning requests for breakfast, no puddles of any variety to clean up, just unstructured free time. I got to stay in bed until I was good and ready to leave, watch TV shows that were free from singing and colourful animated characters, and have some good quality time with T. We even went out for dinner twice...to nice restaurants where there were no slides and no napkin and ketchup dispensers. Not once did anyone ask if we wanted a kids menu. I love my kids and wouldn't trade being a mom for anything but dammit, I needed this past weekend.

For the past two years T and I have known that there is something different with Yanna. Although everyone around us has tried to provide reassurance that she's fine- just a little different, there's always been a lurking suspicion that things go a little deeper than that. While no parent wants to admit that there is something wrong with their child, there comes a time when you have to take steps to determine what the problem is and how to accept and deal with it. After having numerous screenings done and a visit to Dr. Elves, we have a tentative diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) which is simply a label that fits in with an array of disorders on the Autism Spectrum. Yanna is somewhere on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. She has most of the diagnostic criteria, but not all of them. As much as I hate labels, in some way it comes as a relief. For a long time time I have wracked my brain wondering what I did wrong during the pregnancy and the months following or what I could have done differently. Was it the fall in the playground, or the time she ran into a wall at grandmas?? Or maybe some random medication that I took during pregnancy or while nursing? I even wondered if I was simply getting the parenting thing all wrong. It was nice to hear the doctor say that I'm doing the right thing, and this isn't any of my doing. That it is simply because her brain is wired differently than that of most people. Where we go from here, I'm not so sure. She's now on a waiting list for speech therapy as well as occupational therapy with a doctor recommendation that she get bumped up on the list. I also need to obtain a medical history from my side of the family which I'm kind of dreading as I haven spoken to my birth family since my wedding. This will have to be carefully planned as I'm pretty sure that calling them will be on the awkward site, particularly since they don't know we've moved back.....or even had Lex yet. I probably should have called, or even written, but that's a whole different entry. I've got to admit that I've never missed Edmonton and my group of educated, like minded "Friday moms" more!!!

For the past two years T and I have known that there is something different with Yanna. Although everyone around us has tried to provide reassurance that she's fine- just a little different, there's always been a lurking suspicion that things go a little deeper than that. While no parent wants to admit that there is something wrong with their child, there comes a time when you have to take steps to determine what the problem is and how to accept and deal with it. After having numerous screenings done and a visit to Dr. Elves, we have a tentative diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) which is simply a label that fits in with an array of disorders on the Autism Spectrum. Yanna is somewhere on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. She has most of the diagnostic criteria, but not all of them. As much as I hate labels, in some way it comes as a relief. For a long time time I have wracked my brain wondering what I did wrong during the pregnancy and the months following or what I could have done differently. Was it the fall in the playground, or the time she ran into a wall at grandmas?? Or maybe some random medication that I took during pregnancy or while nursing? I even wondered if I was simply getting the parenting thing all wrong. It was nice to hear the doctor say that I'm doing the right thing, and this isn't any of my doing. That it is simply because her brain is wired differently than that of most people. Where we go from here, I'm not so sure. She's now on a waiting list for speech therapy as well as occupational therapy with a doctor recommendation that she get bumped up on the list. I also need to obtain a medical history from my side of the family which I'm kind of dreading as I haven spoken to my birth family since my wedding. This will have to be carefully planned as I'm pretty sure that calling them will be on the awkward site, particularly since they don't know we've moved back.....or even had Lex yet. I probably should have called, or even written, but that's a whole different entry. I've got to admit that I've never missed Edmonton and my group of educated, like minded "Friday moms" more!!!

Have you hugged your cupboards today?

I have no fun kid mess pictures to share because my dining room has now returned to it's regularly scheduled job as a dining room and all food items are now safely secured in the cupboards....where they belong. I much prefer my peanut butter in the pantry and not decorating my walls. Interestingly, these are not the cupboards that we ordered. The colour is right, the wood type is right but the design, not so much. We will however not say anything about the mix up as the cabinet people were long gone and we had already filled the cupboards with kitchen stuff before we noticed.

Horray For Cupboards!!

There's still a huge amount of work yet to do- tiles, flooring, paint etc. but I have cupboards so...who cares??

Day whatever

I've lost track of the days as my brain can no longer function under the layer of plaster dust and old vinyl flooring adhesive. I think we're finally getting somewhere though. It's starting to look more like a kitchen and less like someone's barn- and not one of those fancy horse barns either. More like a barn where you put the cattle you don't like. Hopeully tomorrow there will be cupboards. Lots and lots of glorious cupboards.

Mess of the day= peanut butter

I am having a hard time envisioning the end results at this point in time!

kitchen reno- day 2

I've decided to keep a photo-log of our kitchen renovation project with the hopes that we will look back at the photo's and perhaps reminisce fondly about the sheer chaos that our lives became. At this point however I'm beginning to wonder if we will survive. I tried to convince my mom that care packages containing food and royal chinet would be a fabulous idea but I don't think she took me seriously. Tomorrow we get to put in dry-wall and rip up the floor. I am giddy with anticipation.


The kitchen is now devoid of anything that makes it function as a kitchen. No counters, no cupboards, no sink. The water supply to the fridge filter is turned off thus rendering all house water undrinkable. You would think that we would have thought to purchase water somewhere before we did this wouldn't you.

Because we have no kitchen, the dining room is now covered in all things kitcheny and the kids are really enjoying the fact that everything that they could possibly want to get into is now right there in the open.

Things like jam......

.....and large tubs of protein powder.

Finally, a valid excuse for take-out!

Today as we were cleaning out the the cupboards in prepration for a massive kitchen overhaul I came across a bag of peanuts. Printed in bold type on the bottom of the bag were the words: Allergy Alert - packaged in a plant that processes peanuts. Hmmm.....you don't say.....

I've been meaning to update here since the move but haven't had the time. Perhaps once my kitchen is no longer strewn all over the dining room and back stairs and the walls have more than the original lathe on the them.....cupboards would ne nice....I will have time to actually sit and type.