Is it possible to feel homesick for a place that you never considered to be truly home? Does it make sense to feel a deep sense of longing for a place you couldn't wait to leave? These things mystify me yet and while looking at old photos it was undeniable; the sense of loss was palpable. Perhaps it's not really the location that I miss but rather the life that we lead there. Things were simpler then. Trent had a job, I had a growing business, we were starting to make friends and the days of the week were not determined by looking at the lid on Tatyanna's pill dispenser. I wish I knew what it was that I feel like I'm so desperately seeking. All I feel lately is a sense of angst, turmoil and a longing for better days. Like a warrior that has been fighting for too long and wants only a safe place to finally sleep.
Flipping, or more accurately, scrolling through photos of the past 5 years made the losses seem that much more apparent. I watched an old video of Tatyanna's 3 rd birthday and had to fight to keep the tears in check. In some ways it's like watching a different person all together. Although she's still my same sweet Yanna, in so many ways it's like she's a mere shadow of her former self. Watching the progression of pictures throughout her life you can see something slowly leave. For lack of better words, it's like she's "lost her sparkle". Her eyes are different. Instead of bright and full of mischief, they now look pained, wary and lost. In most pictures there's no eye contact at all. And yet, there will be a rare photo where you can still see the old Yanna, just enough to know that she's still there under the surface. These ones, I cherish because if nothing else, they give me hope.
In some ways, I feel guilty for for my grief. Things could be so much worse. And yet as I watch her struggle to get a familiar word out or fight to keep her balance as she moves across the room there is no denying that we have all lost something and while it's ok to mourn for the losses I need to take care not to let them consume me entirely.
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