Friday, December 26, 2008

I have a hard time with posts like that made last night. Usually I hit the delete button within moments of making the entry and no one is the wiser. Parenting a child with a terminal illness is complicated. There are good days and there are bad days. While the pain never goes away, you learn to live with it. You look past it and learn to function in an altered sense of normalcy. With Batten disease, the grief process doesn't end. Every time your child loses another skill or ability, it starts again. There are days when the sense of loss is so profound that it's almost tangible. I miss my daughter and yet she is here beside me. I miss the little girl who used to spend hours on the escalators at the Edmonton mall before it opened in the morning. I miss her never ending energy and sense of fun. I miss the way she would lug all of her stuffed horses around the house and had them named according to colour or size....white white, brown white, bigger.....In some ways, I feel guilty for feeling that way. Although the Yanna of the past is gone, I appreciate and cherish the little girl that's still here. In many ways, she's still the same, only a more muted version of her previous self. She is still loves her horses and watching Dora, she still has her infectious giggle, strange sense of humour and a hug for everyone around her.
For me, in order to stay afloat, I have to sink once in a while. Last night was simply a very bad night after a long string of not so good days. Today,without the weight of holiday expectations, perhaps things will be different.

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