It's kind of disturbing how one can go from being an awesome mom to one deserving of little more than a good tar and feathering. Friday night, I rocked. I don't have a problem saying it. I even patted my own back for this one....I was discreet about it, of course. Friday, Trent and I had a "date night" with our son. (We were orginally supposed to take Skylar as well, but she opted to stay with the younger two for some "grandma time".) We went out for appetizers at a local upscale establishment and tossed in some creme brule for good measure. We then spent the rest of the evening at the Harry Potter book release. We had a blast checking out the various costumes and listening to the band and discussing what we thought would happen in the final installment of the series. After surveying the scene for some time I made an educated guess as to where exactly the pre-order line up would be starting. With fingers crossed, and whispering urgent prayers I casually suggested that we relocate to a new vantage point. If I was right, it would put us exactly where I thought they would be doing the pre-orderd transactions; if I was wrong, it meant leaving our place near the beginning of a line up that was already nearing the end of the block. My guess work paid off and we ended up a the very front of the line up. Keirnan was giddy with anticipation, you could feel the excitement. I think it might have been better than Christmas. The media got ready, the last few seconds were counted down and there was a flurry of picture taking while he handed over the ticket and received the first book sold in our city. It was one of those moments that you don't forget. It was pretty cool.
Fast forward to tonight. The magic of the Harry Potter moment has faded. *insert groan here* The once cool mom has just realized that she has forgotten that her son had a birthday party to go to this afternoon. It was her son's best friend's birthday. Said son does not make friends all that easily and this is only the second party he's been invited to all year. Mere words to not describe how utterly and completely wretched I feel at this moment. Despite all the stress that we've been going through, there are no excuses. I can not believe that I just did that.

Important Service Announcement

Beginning tonight there will be a media ban in our household. Said ban will take place until such a time as I have completed reading the much anticipated final installment in the Harry Potter series. This ban will include mainstream television, radio, newspaper as well as all major internet sites that are "news-y" in nature.

Also, please take note that general household duties will most definitely be neglected and meal preparation will be sketchy at best. Please consider yourselves warned. I have given you plenty of time to stock up on things such as trail mix, beef jerky and fruit snacks. If you are not considered a regular household dweller and decide to "pop in for a visit" conversation will most likely consist of noncommittal grunts from behind the book cover. Please help yourself to the fridge. You could perhaps also watch some Discovery Civilization or TVO Kids. The space channel is also on the safe list. Housework is also much appreciated, please feel free.

Plague and pestilence upon the household of anyone who attempts to ruin the ending for me.

I thank you for your co-operation and understanding the importance of this matter.

The Management


Tonight Trent and I will take the older two kids to the Harry Potter release party. We are all much excited about this event....I am hoping that it will somehow make up for our attempted camping trip. I'm sure I will write about it eventually but until then, content yourself with knowing that we arrived home at 7:00 this morning with the vow that we will NEVER go camping again.

Happy Birthday!!

In 2 short years you've gone from being a rather large baby with a small personality to a tiny little girl with a personality that's larger than life. You are known as the girl with a thousand faces and it's often more fun watching you watch a movie than actually watching what's playing on the t.v. itself. You are quick with hugs and kisses and adore your big brother and sisters but make it very clear to them what you feel is your personal property or space. "I no like it" and "This mine...no...no....you git!!!" are frequently heard phrases. You have, in fact, been known to climb onto your chair at dinner and lecture the table filled with family and friends about some random subject. The finger wagging and vaguely italian accent make it all the more endearing. You love animals and would quite happily spend your time sitting between Winston's large paws or feeding treats to your "phee-ya". You make sure to remind her every time that biting your foot is not allowed. I believe the finger wagging in this case is lost on the horse but it looks really effective. If an animal is not present for you to play with, you are not above pretending to be a puppy/kitty/bunny etc yourself and I often have to drag you out of the dog bowls and empty your mouthful of kibble into the garbage. Yes, I do have pictures....and yes, they will probably surface at your wedding. You also love to grab me by the necklace say "come on puppy" and attempt to drag me around the house. I must say, I much prefer it when you are the puppy as hardwood floors are less than comfy.

The last 2 years have been a blast getting to know you and watching your personality grow and develop. You have a unique zest for life and can make even the most melancholy person smile. I can't wait to watch you grow* up into the awesome little person that I know you will be.

*We are optimistic that you will actually grow in stature at some point. You are currently wearing a size 12months in clothes and still fit the diapers and onesies that I bought before you were actually born!

see mom, i did grow up

T and I got tickets to the Loreena Mckennitt concert in September. It will be my first non-punk concert. I'm thinking that the old standard of ripped fishnets, ratty ramones t-shirt and knee high dr.martens won't be acceptable attire this time. At least it will take me less time to do my hair.

I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not with your decision to forgo a traditional birthday party in favour of playing some Starcraft RPG with a bunch of grown-ups or not. You knew that it would mean less presents, but that didn't seem to bother you. I've got to say that I'm kind of impressed...but not surprised. You're really starting to grow up and you realized that a night of fun with friends and family outweighs gifts that will soon be forgotten. You might be on the verge of outgrowing me, and I realize that my continually pushing on your head probably isn't going to work, but in some ways you'll always be the little boy with a big "hockey player" smile and non-stop chatter. You were my first baby and you taught me so much. It was you who really taught me the meaning of words like love and sacrifice. The moment I first held you, I knew instantly that there was nothing that I wouldn't do for you. That I would always be there, no matter what. I know that things haven't really been easy over the last few years and I appreciate that you've hung in there. We've moved more than most military families during your life and I know how hard it is to make to friends. Thanks for understanding the "why's and doing your best to adapt. You have a pretty cool group of friends now, and I get a kick out of the constant emails and msn messages. I've got to say it, you are an awesome big brother. I remember when you were 2 and I brought S home. You were patient at first, believing perhaps, that someone would be coming to pick her up shortly. When it became apparent that we would keep her you were horrified. You've come a long way since those days. The way your two little sisters light up when they see you makes that apparent. I appreciate the time that you spend patiently playing with them. MIster pony and extreme kitty.....the hours spent on the my little pony website.....You have no idea how much I appreciate it...really....You don't realize it now, but you're teaching them alot about relationships and how to be treated. I'm really proud of the individual you are becoming from your never ending quest to keep learning to your sensitive, lookin out for the little guy nature and I just wanted to say Happy Birthday buddy! I love ya!

Since diagnoses are kind of like Lay's potato chips, in that you can never have just one, Yanna's recent trip to the pediatrician yielded us with another diagnosis....epilepsy. The EEG report indicated that she has been suffering from left side posterior temporal and occipital complex partial seizures. Try saying that one 5 times quickly. While it wasn't exactly what we were hoping to hear, it didn't come as a surprise either. And because seizuring brains are not happy brains, she was given a prescription for Tegretol in an attempt to control the irregular electrical activity. The pediatrician admitted that he wasn't entirely thrilled with this diagnosis and felt that she could potentially be difficult to treat. Not exactly words every mom hopes to hear. Given the nature of the seizure activity and the fact that they are occurring in two different lobes of her brain, the chances of being able to control them in the long term with just one medication is extremely small. We are probably looking at using a combination of ever changing drugs to keep the seizures at bay. It's funny, in the doctor's office, I went into my old "nursing student mode". I asked my questions, got the treatment plan and left the office planning to consult with Dr. Google and numerous other more reliable medical sources once I arrived home. There was no emotional response. It was what it was...could be better could be worse. It wasn't until that evening when I picked up the bottle filled with tiny white pills that the impact of everything really hit. My hands were literally shaking as I handed her the first of what will be many and encouraged her to chew it up in a voice that overly cheerful. Normally I try to treat things as naturally as possible. The human body has amazing healing capabilities and it drives me nuts when people run to the pharmacy for antibiotics or pills for every single ailment. I would prefer to seek the advise of a homeopath before a standard western physician but this time, I feel that I have no real choice. There are no effective natural treatments. There is no "wait and see". There are no herbal remedies with a minimum of side effects. I have no choice but to take my daughter and embark on a sea of chemical cocktails and hope for the best. The thing that pains me the most is that this shitty alternative is the best I can offer my little girl.

And on a completely different note, we are now entering the fun-filled, always entertaining potty learning stage again. Good times to be sure...filled with many stories perfect for blackmailing unruly teenagers. Tonight Lexi announced that she had to "go potty" and quickly made her way to the fancy kid sized, music playing potty sitting on the deck. I've never used one of these with previous kids and kind of think they're silly, but at 20lbs soaking wet, Lexi could pretty much swim in a standard size toilet. After a few minutes I could hear her jump up and say in very animated voice "Yay! I did it, I did it! I pooped onna potty!!" and before I could even turn from the stove where I was making dinner she ran over, held up her hand and announced, "SEE??!!"

Since diagnoses are kind of like Lay's potato chips, in that you can never have just one, Yanna's recent trip to the pediatrician yielded us with another diagnosis....epilepsy. The EEG report indicated that she has been suffering from left side posterior temporal and occipital complex partial seizures. Try saying that one 5 times quickly. While it wasn't exactly what we were hoping to hear, it didn't come as a surprise either. And because seizuring brains are not happy brains, she was given a prescription for Tegretol in an attempt to control the irregular electrical activity. The pediatrician admitted that he wasn't entirely thrilled with this diagnosis and felt that she could potentially be difficult to treat. Not exactly words every mom hopes to hear. Given the nature of the seizure activity and the fact that they are occurring in two different lobes of her brain, the chances of being able to control them in the long term with just one medication is extremely small. We are probably looking at using a combination of ever changing drugs to keep the seizures at bay. It's funny, in the doctor's office, I went into my old "nursing student mode". I asked my questions, got the treatment plan and left the office planning to consult with Dr. Google and numerous other more reliable medical sources once I arrived home. There was no emotional response. It was what it was...could be better could be worse. It wasn't until that evening when I picked up the bottle filled with tiny white pills that the impact of everything really hit. My hands were literally shaking as I handed her the first of what will be many and encouraged her to chew it up in a voice that overly cheerful. Normally I try to treat things as naturally as possible. The human body has amazing healing capabilities and it drives me nuts when people run to the pharmacy for antibiotics or pills for every single ailment. I would prefer to seek the advise of a homeopath before a standard western physician but this time, I feel that I have no real choice. There are no effective natural treatments. There is no "wait and see". There are no herbal remedies with a minimum of side effects. I have no choice but to take my daughter and embark on a sea of chemical cocktails and hope for the best. The thing that pains me the most is that this shitty alternative is the best I can offer my little girl.

And on a completely different note, we are now entering the fun-filled, always entertaining potty learning stage again. Good times to be sure...filled with many stories perfect for blackmailing unruly teenagers. Tonight Lexi announced that she had to "go potty" and quickly made her way to the fancy kid sized, music playing potty sitting on the deck. I've never used one of these with previous kids and kind of think they're silly, but at 20lbs soaking wet, Lexi could pretty much swim in a standard size toilet. After a few minutes I could hear her jump up and say in very animated voice "Yay! I did it, I did it! I pooped onna potty!!" and before I could even turn from the stove where I was making dinner she ran over, held up her hand and announced, "SEE??!!"

Quote of the week

Overheard while T was on the phone to his sister:

"Epilepsy...it's not like crabs, you know....you don't necessarily know how or when or why you got it...."

Thank you T for that lovely tidbit of zen like wisdom! : )

I'm normally a fairly relaxed, no panic sort of person but I have to admit that the sound of T thumping down the stairs followed by the words, "OMG I think there's something really wrong with yanna!!!" did incite something that could be called panic. It was that sort of icy feeling that washes over you followed by the sensation that your stomach has hit the floor and your heart is somewhere in the vicinity of your throat. It's highly unpleasant. But as a mom of 4, I have learned that no matter how anxious you feel, it's usually counter-productive to allow the kids to become aware of said emotions. I calmly turned around and noticed immediately on first glance that yes, there was something very wrong. Yanna's entire left side was completley paralyzed. Fighting the urge to panic suddenly becomes a little more difficult when you're wondering if your 4 year has had a stroke. We quickly got everyone loaded into the truck to make the 20 minute drive to the ER. Yanna, oddly was completely oblivious to the fact that her body had suddenly declared mutiny on her and kept asking (in slurred speech eerily reminiscent of T's grandma who is suffering from ALS) if we could "Go park!!!" and "Get icecream!!!" She also wondered if we could go to town and buy horses. Perhaps it's the fact that she has autism, I don't know, but the potential severity of the situation was completely lost on her and she was just happy to be going on a truck ride to town. It was kind of funny really. Once at the hospital we were seen by several doctors and nurses. During the time there she gradually regained all her senses/abilities and by the time her own pediatrician came down, she was attempting to swing tarzan like from the curtains. By the end of the morning it was determined that this just another complex migraine spell. Apparently complex migraines can also cause hemiparesis. I must say that for once I am completely relieved with a rather anti-climactic ending. K and I are currently in the middle of a battle of the desktops. This means that when one of us is using the computer we must change the desktop of the other person's settings to something that generally involves rather crude humour or good natured teasing. Various animal butts as well as name calling stick people have been the rule but I am hoping to expand. Unfortunately I have been made aware that my 10 year old is considerably more compute savvy than I gave him credit for and I am quickly getting the feeling that I just might be fighting a losing battle.

It's a little disconcerting when your almost 2 year old runs into the kitchen while you are sweeping the floor, picks something out of the pile, pops it into her mouth, announces "ooh yummy!" and then runs away. This took about 2 seconds. I didn't have time to react, stop her or say anything about the fact that things found in the garbage shouldn't be considered tasty. Maybe part of me is a little concerned, but I must admit that I'm extremely curious as to what she found. I don't recall seeing anything that could be described as yummy while I was sweeping. Thankfully she has a healthy immune system and we don't have anything toxic in the house. It's funny the difference in response between your first and your fourth kid. If it that had been Keirnan, I probably would have rinsed his mouth out and watched him for signs of the plague that I was sure would follow. With Lex, I'm considerably more relaxed and have learned not to sweat the small stuff.Yanna's EEG was successful. Thanks to much sleep deprivation she was only too happy to sit on my lap and read stories with me while it was being performed. Story might be a more accurate description as we read the same story over, and over.......and over. Now we just have to wait for the results. I love waiting. I'm getting very good at it.

Apparently today is autistic pride day. So....uh....happy autistic pride day- now go and educate yourself . Maybe I should go out and buy a cake or something. You can never have to much cake....or perhaps a nice tiramisu. A little harder to decorate but I believe that it could be done.

Did I ever mention how tired I was of wood tick season? Now that the deer are coming back out of the valley and wandering through the yard to look longingly at our garden and check the integrity of the 6 foot high electric fence, the place is crawling with the suckers (bad pun, i know) A simple trip out to the trampoline, across the neatly shorn yard, can yield 2 or more. I never really had a problem with wood ticks before, but this is getting crazy. Every day I'm picking them off the kids, the dog the deck etc. I grew up on a farm, but I have never seen anything like this. The older kids are thoroughly disgusted...having become rather citified during their formative years and continually ask what the purpose of a wood tick is. I wish I could tell them...because i would really like to know the answer to that one too!

*Edited to add: After a brief seach on ask.com, my quest to find the answer to the purpose of a wood tick has been abandoned. Apparently they have no real purpose.

like trying to put a billy goat into a shopping bag

I should have know that it wasn't going to work. After a week of increasing seizure activity, we finally got a call from the EEG department. The lady on the phone suggested that they like to schedule the pre-school appointments for the afternoon because that is when they nap. Umm....right. I tried to explain to her that my daughter does not sleep and runs around like a weasel on speed until her battery dies around midnight. The receptionist did not believe me, brushed off my concerns with a "I'm sure it will be fine, we'll see what we can do." and scheduled the appointment for 2:00. We showed up at the hospital at 1:45 as suggested and proceeded to wait for 45 minutes. As the seconds ticked by you could see Yanna start to unravel. The novelty of sitting on each and every chair in the waiting area only lasts for so long. By the time we finally got called in I was peeling her off the walls and dragging out of the ornamental trees. It wasn't pretty. Once in the appropriate room, I was told that she would have to lay still for 25 minutes without moving. I think I might have laughed at the guy at this point. He, being the astute, EEG tech quickly realized that this really wasn't going to work. It might have been the fact that Yanna was trying to jump off the bed yelling "I NO SLEEP!!!!!" but I could be wrong. Needless to say, we had to come up with plan B. "We deal with "those types' of kids lots" he said (which didn't win him point in my books) "and it never works with "them". " He then apologized that they had even tried to set up the appointment for 2:00 at all. The plan B is that we reschedule for tuesday at 9 am, keep her up as late as possible and then wake her up at 4am. Hopefully by 9:00 she will be tired and more receptive to the mild sedative they are allowed to give. Again, I am skeptical as nothing 'mild" seems to knock her out. Not even the prescription hydroxyzine slows her down. The energizer bunny has nothing on my girl. It should be interesting to see how this works.

just when thought you'd be spared the emotional garbage....

"First day on your new legs?" The comment should have been harmelss enough but for some reason tonight it stung. I walked over to my little girl, helped her up and asked if she was ok. It was the same as so many times on so many days. "I ok" was her answer. The same as always. But she's not ok and it breaks my heart that I can't fix her, that I can't make things better. Some days she falls alot, some days not so much. We think that she's having simple partial seizures but until the EEG no one really knows. I see it in her eyes on the bad days. She'll hold my hand more, and refuse to go up or down the stairs without help. A fall down the hard wooden staircase taught her that lesson. It's interesting how she would quite happily run into traffic without pause but understands the danger of an innocuous set of stairs. I feel angry. I wish I had pushed things with the dr.s in Edmonton to get a proper diagnosis. I'm angry that a family member never shared her suspicions. It really bothers me that she brings it up after the fact. If she had once mentioned her concerns to me I would have been able to do something. I'm angry with myself. I have a psych degree and 2 1/2 years of nursing. I should have known, but I didn't. When I went to school we were taught about autism-the disorder. The fact that it is a spectrum of disorders with a whole variety of traits was never mentioned. I'm tired. Tired of the sleepless nights. Tired of having little support and no where to turn. Tired of the politics in this town. Tired of the waiting process. We have a tentative, but probable diagnosis and a tonne of referrals but no answers. It's too late to initiate any sort of early intervention and the longer we wait the harder things become. And yet, waiting is all we can do. It's funny, when i reread what I've written, it sounds pretty negative. But, while I'm honest in how I'm feeling, we're doing OK. The kids are happy, T and I are still as strong as ever. I guess that's what families do. You weather the storms and wait for the sun.

weekly lessons

1. The sound of your child falling down the hard wood staircase is one that I hope not to hear again

2. It is very difficult to draw a convincing horse with an etch-a-sketch...kitties and puppies even

3. Tylenol has this sick joke where the recommended dose is 1.5 ml and the dropper only goes up to 1 ml. If you have ever tasted children's tylenol you would know that there is no way that you can trick your sick child into taking that second dose....none....even if you do managed to get the dropper through barricade of little fingers and clenched teeth the chances of the tylenol remaining in their mouth and not sprayed all over your own face is extremely small.

4. When someone refers to their sale horse as perfectly broke, you should ask them to clarify whether they are referring to the degree to which the horse is trained or if perhaps something is broken....like their sanity

5. Yes, it can rain too much

6. Wood ticks aren't so bad....until you start finding them in your bed and on your walls. That's when I start to have a problem with it.I think that about covers it. I will spare you all the emotional crap we've been going through as of late. Raining outside, raining inside, it's all starting to blur together.