see mom, i did grow up

T and I got tickets to the Loreena Mckennitt concert in September. It will be my first non-punk concert. I'm thinking that the old standard of ripped fishnets, ratty ramones t-shirt and knee high dr.martens won't be acceptable attire this time. At least it will take me less time to do my hair.

I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not with your decision to forgo a traditional birthday party in favour of playing some Starcraft RPG with a bunch of grown-ups or not. You knew that it would mean less presents, but that didn't seem to bother you. I've got to say that I'm kind of impressed...but not surprised. You're really starting to grow up and you realized that a night of fun with friends and family outweighs gifts that will soon be forgotten. You might be on the verge of outgrowing me, and I realize that my continually pushing on your head probably isn't going to work, but in some ways you'll always be the little boy with a big "hockey player" smile and non-stop chatter. You were my first baby and you taught me so much. It was you who really taught me the meaning of words like love and sacrifice. The moment I first held you, I knew instantly that there was nothing that I wouldn't do for you. That I would always be there, no matter what. I know that things haven't really been easy over the last few years and I appreciate that you've hung in there. We've moved more than most military families during your life and I know how hard it is to make to friends. Thanks for understanding the "why's and doing your best to adapt. You have a pretty cool group of friends now, and I get a kick out of the constant emails and msn messages. I've got to say it, you are an awesome big brother. I remember when you were 2 and I brought S home. You were patient at first, believing perhaps, that someone would be coming to pick her up shortly. When it became apparent that we would keep her you were horrified. You've come a long way since those days. The way your two little sisters light up when they see you makes that apparent. I appreciate the time that you spend patiently playing with them. MIster pony and extreme kitty.....the hours spent on the my little pony website.....You have no idea how much I appreciate it...really....You don't realize it now, but you're teaching them alot about relationships and how to be treated. I'm really proud of the individual you are becoming from your never ending quest to keep learning to your sensitive, lookin out for the little guy nature and I just wanted to say Happy Birthday buddy! I love ya!

Since diagnoses are kind of like Lay's potato chips, in that you can never have just one, Yanna's recent trip to the pediatrician yielded us with another diagnosis....epilepsy. The EEG report indicated that she has been suffering from left side posterior temporal and occipital complex partial seizures. Try saying that one 5 times quickly. While it wasn't exactly what we were hoping to hear, it didn't come as a surprise either. And because seizuring brains are not happy brains, she was given a prescription for Tegretol in an attempt to control the irregular electrical activity. The pediatrician admitted that he wasn't entirely thrilled with this diagnosis and felt that she could potentially be difficult to treat. Not exactly words every mom hopes to hear. Given the nature of the seizure activity and the fact that they are occurring in two different lobes of her brain, the chances of being able to control them in the long term with just one medication is extremely small. We are probably looking at using a combination of ever changing drugs to keep the seizures at bay. It's funny, in the doctor's office, I went into my old "nursing student mode". I asked my questions, got the treatment plan and left the office planning to consult with Dr. Google and numerous other more reliable medical sources once I arrived home. There was no emotional response. It was what it was...could be better could be worse. It wasn't until that evening when I picked up the bottle filled with tiny white pills that the impact of everything really hit. My hands were literally shaking as I handed her the first of what will be many and encouraged her to chew it up in a voice that overly cheerful. Normally I try to treat things as naturally as possible. The human body has amazing healing capabilities and it drives me nuts when people run to the pharmacy for antibiotics or pills for every single ailment. I would prefer to seek the advise of a homeopath before a standard western physician but this time, I feel that I have no real choice. There are no effective natural treatments. There is no "wait and see". There are no herbal remedies with a minimum of side effects. I have no choice but to take my daughter and embark on a sea of chemical cocktails and hope for the best. The thing that pains me the most is that this shitty alternative is the best I can offer my little girl.

And on a completely different note, we are now entering the fun-filled, always entertaining potty learning stage again. Good times to be sure...filled with many stories perfect for blackmailing unruly teenagers. Tonight Lexi announced that she had to "go potty" and quickly made her way to the fancy kid sized, music playing potty sitting on the deck. I've never used one of these with previous kids and kind of think they're silly, but at 20lbs soaking wet, Lexi could pretty much swim in a standard size toilet. After a few minutes I could hear her jump up and say in very animated voice "Yay! I did it, I did it! I pooped onna potty!!" and before I could even turn from the stove where I was making dinner she ran over, held up her hand and announced, "SEE??!!"

Since diagnoses are kind of like Lay's potato chips, in that you can never have just one, Yanna's recent trip to the pediatrician yielded us with another diagnosis....epilepsy. The EEG report indicated that she has been suffering from left side posterior temporal and occipital complex partial seizures. Try saying that one 5 times quickly. While it wasn't exactly what we were hoping to hear, it didn't come as a surprise either. And because seizuring brains are not happy brains, she was given a prescription for Tegretol in an attempt to control the irregular electrical activity. The pediatrician admitted that he wasn't entirely thrilled with this diagnosis and felt that she could potentially be difficult to treat. Not exactly words every mom hopes to hear. Given the nature of the seizure activity and the fact that they are occurring in two different lobes of her brain, the chances of being able to control them in the long term with just one medication is extremely small. We are probably looking at using a combination of ever changing drugs to keep the seizures at bay. It's funny, in the doctor's office, I went into my old "nursing student mode". I asked my questions, got the treatment plan and left the office planning to consult with Dr. Google and numerous other more reliable medical sources once I arrived home. There was no emotional response. It was what it was...could be better could be worse. It wasn't until that evening when I picked up the bottle filled with tiny white pills that the impact of everything really hit. My hands were literally shaking as I handed her the first of what will be many and encouraged her to chew it up in a voice that overly cheerful. Normally I try to treat things as naturally as possible. The human body has amazing healing capabilities and it drives me nuts when people run to the pharmacy for antibiotics or pills for every single ailment. I would prefer to seek the advise of a homeopath before a standard western physician but this time, I feel that I have no real choice. There are no effective natural treatments. There is no "wait and see". There are no herbal remedies with a minimum of side effects. I have no choice but to take my daughter and embark on a sea of chemical cocktails and hope for the best. The thing that pains me the most is that this shitty alternative is the best I can offer my little girl.

And on a completely different note, we are now entering the fun-filled, always entertaining potty learning stage again. Good times to be sure...filled with many stories perfect for blackmailing unruly teenagers. Tonight Lexi announced that she had to "go potty" and quickly made her way to the fancy kid sized, music playing potty sitting on the deck. I've never used one of these with previous kids and kind of think they're silly, but at 20lbs soaking wet, Lexi could pretty much swim in a standard size toilet. After a few minutes I could hear her jump up and say in very animated voice "Yay! I did it, I did it! I pooped onna potty!!" and before I could even turn from the stove where I was making dinner she ran over, held up her hand and announced, "SEE??!!"

Quote of the week

Overheard while T was on the phone to his sister:

"Epilepsy...it's not like crabs, you know....you don't necessarily know how or when or why you got it...."

Thank you T for that lovely tidbit of zen like wisdom! : )

I'm normally a fairly relaxed, no panic sort of person but I have to admit that the sound of T thumping down the stairs followed by the words, "OMG I think there's something really wrong with yanna!!!" did incite something that could be called panic. It was that sort of icy feeling that washes over you followed by the sensation that your stomach has hit the floor and your heart is somewhere in the vicinity of your throat. It's highly unpleasant. But as a mom of 4, I have learned that no matter how anxious you feel, it's usually counter-productive to allow the kids to become aware of said emotions. I calmly turned around and noticed immediately on first glance that yes, there was something very wrong. Yanna's entire left side was completley paralyzed. Fighting the urge to panic suddenly becomes a little more difficult when you're wondering if your 4 year has had a stroke. We quickly got everyone loaded into the truck to make the 20 minute drive to the ER. Yanna, oddly was completely oblivious to the fact that her body had suddenly declared mutiny on her and kept asking (in slurred speech eerily reminiscent of T's grandma who is suffering from ALS) if we could "Go park!!!" and "Get icecream!!!" She also wondered if we could go to town and buy horses. Perhaps it's the fact that she has autism, I don't know, but the potential severity of the situation was completely lost on her and she was just happy to be going on a truck ride to town. It was kind of funny really. Once at the hospital we were seen by several doctors and nurses. During the time there she gradually regained all her senses/abilities and by the time her own pediatrician came down, she was attempting to swing tarzan like from the curtains. By the end of the morning it was determined that this just another complex migraine spell. Apparently complex migraines can also cause hemiparesis. I must say that for once I am completely relieved with a rather anti-climactic ending. K and I are currently in the middle of a battle of the desktops. This means that when one of us is using the computer we must change the desktop of the other person's settings to something that generally involves rather crude humour or good natured teasing. Various animal butts as well as name calling stick people have been the rule but I am hoping to expand. Unfortunately I have been made aware that my 10 year old is considerably more compute savvy than I gave him credit for and I am quickly getting the feeling that I just might be fighting a losing battle.

It's a little disconcerting when your almost 2 year old runs into the kitchen while you are sweeping the floor, picks something out of the pile, pops it into her mouth, announces "ooh yummy!" and then runs away. This took about 2 seconds. I didn't have time to react, stop her or say anything about the fact that things found in the garbage shouldn't be considered tasty. Maybe part of me is a little concerned, but I must admit that I'm extremely curious as to what she found. I don't recall seeing anything that could be described as yummy while I was sweeping. Thankfully she has a healthy immune system and we don't have anything toxic in the house. It's funny the difference in response between your first and your fourth kid. If it that had been Keirnan, I probably would have rinsed his mouth out and watched him for signs of the plague that I was sure would follow. With Lex, I'm considerably more relaxed and have learned not to sweat the small stuff.Yanna's EEG was successful. Thanks to much sleep deprivation she was only too happy to sit on my lap and read stories with me while it was being performed. Story might be a more accurate description as we read the same story over, and over.......and over. Now we just have to wait for the results. I love waiting. I'm getting very good at it.

Apparently today is autistic pride day. So....uh....happy autistic pride day- now go and educate yourself . Maybe I should go out and buy a cake or something. You can never have to much cake....or perhaps a nice tiramisu. A little harder to decorate but I believe that it could be done.

Did I ever mention how tired I was of wood tick season? Now that the deer are coming back out of the valley and wandering through the yard to look longingly at our garden and check the integrity of the 6 foot high electric fence, the place is crawling with the suckers (bad pun, i know) A simple trip out to the trampoline, across the neatly shorn yard, can yield 2 or more. I never really had a problem with wood ticks before, but this is getting crazy. Every day I'm picking them off the kids, the dog the deck etc. I grew up on a farm, but I have never seen anything like this. The older kids are thoroughly disgusted...having become rather citified during their formative years and continually ask what the purpose of a wood tick is. I wish I could tell them...because i would really like to know the answer to that one too!

*Edited to add: After a brief seach on ask.com, my quest to find the answer to the purpose of a wood tick has been abandoned. Apparently they have no real purpose.

like trying to put a billy goat into a shopping bag

I should have know that it wasn't going to work. After a week of increasing seizure activity, we finally got a call from the EEG department. The lady on the phone suggested that they like to schedule the pre-school appointments for the afternoon because that is when they nap. Umm....right. I tried to explain to her that my daughter does not sleep and runs around like a weasel on speed until her battery dies around midnight. The receptionist did not believe me, brushed off my concerns with a "I'm sure it will be fine, we'll see what we can do." and scheduled the appointment for 2:00. We showed up at the hospital at 1:45 as suggested and proceeded to wait for 45 minutes. As the seconds ticked by you could see Yanna start to unravel. The novelty of sitting on each and every chair in the waiting area only lasts for so long. By the time we finally got called in I was peeling her off the walls and dragging out of the ornamental trees. It wasn't pretty. Once in the appropriate room, I was told that she would have to lay still for 25 minutes without moving. I think I might have laughed at the guy at this point. He, being the astute, EEG tech quickly realized that this really wasn't going to work. It might have been the fact that Yanna was trying to jump off the bed yelling "I NO SLEEP!!!!!" but I could be wrong. Needless to say, we had to come up with plan B. "We deal with "those types' of kids lots" he said (which didn't win him point in my books) "and it never works with "them". " He then apologized that they had even tried to set up the appointment for 2:00 at all. The plan B is that we reschedule for tuesday at 9 am, keep her up as late as possible and then wake her up at 4am. Hopefully by 9:00 she will be tired and more receptive to the mild sedative they are allowed to give. Again, I am skeptical as nothing 'mild" seems to knock her out. Not even the prescription hydroxyzine slows her down. The energizer bunny has nothing on my girl. It should be interesting to see how this works.

just when thought you'd be spared the emotional garbage....

"First day on your new legs?" The comment should have been harmelss enough but for some reason tonight it stung. I walked over to my little girl, helped her up and asked if she was ok. It was the same as so many times on so many days. "I ok" was her answer. The same as always. But she's not ok and it breaks my heart that I can't fix her, that I can't make things better. Some days she falls alot, some days not so much. We think that she's having simple partial seizures but until the EEG no one really knows. I see it in her eyes on the bad days. She'll hold my hand more, and refuse to go up or down the stairs without help. A fall down the hard wooden staircase taught her that lesson. It's interesting how she would quite happily run into traffic without pause but understands the danger of an innocuous set of stairs. I feel angry. I wish I had pushed things with the dr.s in Edmonton to get a proper diagnosis. I'm angry that a family member never shared her suspicions. It really bothers me that she brings it up after the fact. If she had once mentioned her concerns to me I would have been able to do something. I'm angry with myself. I have a psych degree and 2 1/2 years of nursing. I should have known, but I didn't. When I went to school we were taught about autism-the disorder. The fact that it is a spectrum of disorders with a whole variety of traits was never mentioned. I'm tired. Tired of the sleepless nights. Tired of having little support and no where to turn. Tired of the politics in this town. Tired of the waiting process. We have a tentative, but probable diagnosis and a tonne of referrals but no answers. It's too late to initiate any sort of early intervention and the longer we wait the harder things become. And yet, waiting is all we can do. It's funny, when i reread what I've written, it sounds pretty negative. But, while I'm honest in how I'm feeling, we're doing OK. The kids are happy, T and I are still as strong as ever. I guess that's what families do. You weather the storms and wait for the sun.

weekly lessons

1. The sound of your child falling down the hard wood staircase is one that I hope not to hear again

2. It is very difficult to draw a convincing horse with an etch-a-sketch...kitties and puppies even

3. Tylenol has this sick joke where the recommended dose is 1.5 ml and the dropper only goes up to 1 ml. If you have ever tasted children's tylenol you would know that there is no way that you can trick your sick child into taking that second dose....none....even if you do managed to get the dropper through barricade of little fingers and clenched teeth the chances of the tylenol remaining in their mouth and not sprayed all over your own face is extremely small.

4. When someone refers to their sale horse as perfectly broke, you should ask them to clarify whether they are referring to the degree to which the horse is trained or if perhaps something is broken....like their sanity

5. Yes, it can rain too much

6. Wood ticks aren't so bad....until you start finding them in your bed and on your walls. That's when I start to have a problem with it.I think that about covers it. I will spare you all the emotional crap we've been going through as of late. Raining outside, raining inside, it's all starting to blur together.

For the first time in recent memory I was able to simply relax...for more than minute. The older kids spent the long weekend in Brandon with their dad and the youngest spent a couple of nights with her grandma in Sylvan. Once the initial lost feeling wore off it was a good weekend. There were no fights to break up, no early morning requests for breakfast, no puddles of any variety to clean up, just unstructured free time. I got to stay in bed until I was good and ready to leave, watch TV shows that were free from singing and colourful animated characters, and have some good quality time with T. We even went out for dinner twice...to nice restaurants where there were no slides and no napkin and ketchup dispensers. Not once did anyone ask if we wanted a kids menu. I love my kids and wouldn't trade being a mom for anything but dammit, I needed this past weekend.

For the past two years T and I have known that there is something different with Yanna. Although everyone around us has tried to provide reassurance that she's fine- just a little different, there's always been a lurking suspicion that things go a little deeper than that. While no parent wants to admit that there is something wrong with their child, there comes a time when you have to take steps to determine what the problem is and how to accept and deal with it. After having numerous screenings done and a visit to Dr. Elves, we have a tentative diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) which is simply a label that fits in with an array of disorders on the Autism Spectrum. Yanna is somewhere on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. She has most of the diagnostic criteria, but not all of them. As much as I hate labels, in some way it comes as a relief. For a long time time I have wracked my brain wondering what I did wrong during the pregnancy and the months following or what I could have done differently. Was it the fall in the playground, or the time she ran into a wall at grandmas?? Or maybe some random medication that I took during pregnancy or while nursing? I even wondered if I was simply getting the parenting thing all wrong. It was nice to hear the doctor say that I'm doing the right thing, and this isn't any of my doing. That it is simply because her brain is wired differently than that of most people. Where we go from here, I'm not so sure. She's now on a waiting list for speech therapy as well as occupational therapy with a doctor recommendation that she get bumped up on the list. I also need to obtain a medical history from my side of the family which I'm kind of dreading as I haven spoken to my birth family since my wedding. This will have to be carefully planned as I'm pretty sure that calling them will be on the awkward site, particularly since they don't know we've moved back.....or even had Lex yet. I probably should have called, or even written, but that's a whole different entry. I've got to admit that I've never missed Edmonton and my group of educated, like minded "Friday moms" more!!!

For the past two years T and I have known that there is something different with Yanna. Although everyone around us has tried to provide reassurance that she's fine- just a little different, there's always been a lurking suspicion that things go a little deeper than that. While no parent wants to admit that there is something wrong with their child, there comes a time when you have to take steps to determine what the problem is and how to accept and deal with it. After having numerous screenings done and a visit to Dr. Elves, we have a tentative diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) which is simply a label that fits in with an array of disorders on the Autism Spectrum. Yanna is somewhere on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. She has most of the diagnostic criteria, but not all of them. As much as I hate labels, in some way it comes as a relief. For a long time time I have wracked my brain wondering what I did wrong during the pregnancy and the months following or what I could have done differently. Was it the fall in the playground, or the time she ran into a wall at grandmas?? Or maybe some random medication that I took during pregnancy or while nursing? I even wondered if I was simply getting the parenting thing all wrong. It was nice to hear the doctor say that I'm doing the right thing, and this isn't any of my doing. That it is simply because her brain is wired differently than that of most people. Where we go from here, I'm not so sure. She's now on a waiting list for speech therapy as well as occupational therapy with a doctor recommendation that she get bumped up on the list. I also need to obtain a medical history from my side of the family which I'm kind of dreading as I haven spoken to my birth family since my wedding. This will have to be carefully planned as I'm pretty sure that calling them will be on the awkward site, particularly since they don't know we've moved back.....or even had Lex yet. I probably should have called, or even written, but that's a whole different entry. I've got to admit that I've never missed Edmonton and my group of educated, like minded "Friday moms" more!!!